For a long time, I’ve had an incorrect view of God. It stemmed from my early childhood years to adulthood. I wasn’t raised in a secure, Christian home and struggled with immense insecurity and feelings of inferiority. The impact of the emotional abuse I experienced from a loved one and encountered repeatedly through the years from others led to a severely distorted view of God and bred legalism.
Whenever circumstances pointed towards my failures, imperfections, and inabilities deemed by society as “unworthy” or a “disappointment” I withdrew and became apathetic and lazy. Subconsciously, I believed I wasn’t good enough and questioned God’s love. Anytime I slipped up or fell short, I feared He would take away my salvation and punish me.
Part of me feared Him while the other resented Him very deeply for how He designed me. How could such a loving and caring God make me the way I am? For wiring my ineptitude, weaknesses, and slow learning style? I felt He compared me to people with strengths, skillsets, aptitudes, and attributes that were more noticeable and aesthetic. Whereas I lacked those and was the brunt of people’s frustrations whenever I “sucked” at doing something or learning correctly. I always based God’s love for me by how people treated me and my circumstances. It seemed like whenever God’s Word said one thing, there would always be something to contradict that relentlessly. I indulged myself in anime, tv shows, and other things to avoid the painful and uncomfortable reality in my life. And for the most part, I did a pretty good job at it. Though I would occasionally hear about “healing” and “overcoming” time after time, I didn’t pursue those as I was afraid to go deep and examine within, to bring those wounds to the surface that I tried hard to stifle.
It wasn’t until I began attending Beacon Hill Baptist Church, which is now my home church, things started to change in an unexpected direction. I started expressing this fear of failure and not being good enough at church. That the people there would notice how wimpy and useless I was as a member and told my pastor I wanted to remove my membership from the church. It wasn’t until I sat down in his office one day, where he told me I struggled with legalism based on deep psychological wounds. He said I knew the Scriptures, but I didn’t really know the Lord. There was a disconnect between my head knowledge and what my heart genuinely believed. Things accumulated overtime and haven’t been properly addressed. He gave me a couple of resources and referred me to a Christian counselor at church, who gave me additional resources and Scriptures to meditate on.
Since then, I have begun to pursue healing slowly through journaling, reading helpful Christian books from the church library, meditating on God’s Word, and implementing tools and resources to further my understanding of His character and nature, and how He sees me. I’m learning to discern between conviction and condemnation, truth from lies, and His grace and mercy over legalism. I feel more assured and comforted to approach God at His throne and share all my struggles, desires, thoughts, and feelings.
Though the enemy still tempts me to doubt and compare and I’ll wish my life looked different or wonder how I would’ve turned out had I been raised in a more nurturing, loving, and God-centered environment. I still get discouraged but I’m slowly learning to trust God more with my life even if my delayed healing possibly contributed to missed opportunities. He’s helping me delight in my weaknesses and things I hate about myself to showcase His grace as sufficient for all my troubles. And to pray for a 1 Corinthians 13 love towards people I envy, become jealous of, and resent for mistreatment and hurts. I’m gradually noticing improvement in those areas! I’ll stop here for today. Please pray I would continue to pursue healing and be encouraged, sanctified, and edified.
Walking With God 